Stag dos and don'ts

For all the upsides to a stag do – beer, football, scantily clad ladies, more beer – there are also some downs. Mainly these are in the organising stages. If you’ve read my previous entries (the funny thing is I’m writing this and I have no idea if anyone *is* reading it), you’ll have heard in great detail all the fun we had on my stag do in Hamburg. You have to understand that getting 17 people together for that wasn’t easy, in fact getting 17 people all to agree to the same weekend was a nightmare. But to take things back even further than that, it might surprise you to find out we were supposed to be going to Prague (stag do to Prague? Oh that’s so last year daahhhling). Twice my best men Niall and Paul seemed to have it sorted, but both times no booking was made. In the end the rocketing cost of the flights priced us out. So Hamburg was a second choice venue, even if it did turn out to be first class.

Naturally, there were people who couldn’t afford the time, the cost or the effort involved in going to Hamburg. I also excluded a few people who I thought might be casualties (sorry dad, but at some point I’ll post my rescue story from my brother Tim’s stag do). To make it up to them - and because I think it’s a lost tradition – I decided to have a London stag do the night before the wedding! Since my family are all in the big smoke on the Friday night, it seemed the easiest thing to do. At first we thought we’d go to Walthamstow Dogs, since it’s within walking distance. Alas, I found out quite late that it doesn't hold races there on a Friday night. Bugger. So I formulated a clever plan, which I’ll post in full here (my next comment on this starts in caps):

Sorry if this comes out of the blue for a few of you, but I'm pretty sure most of you know I'm getting married. Apologies if you've not made the VIP guest list on the day itself, but it's a fairly quiet affair with just family and a few friends. There is still a way you could help me celebrate though, before I'm fitted for the ball and chain. The wedding takes place on the 3rd April and I thought it would be fun to have a traditional stag do the night before. Just no tying me up and bundling me on the Eurostar. We were going to go to Walthamstow dogs, but it's only open Thursday or Saturday so that's out. Instead, we're going to head to the lovely gentlemen's club Browns. It's free to get in, cheap to watch the dancers (£1 in the pint pot each time a dancer comes on stage) and they don't kill you with the beer prices. I'm pretending you don't all know this already. You can find it at 1 Hackney Road, Shoreditch, London E2 7NX. It can be reached from Old Street, Liverpool Street and Shoreditch stations. A map of the area can be found here: http://tinyurl.com/3d49y. I suggest we meet in The Pool from about 7pm. I might be there a bit earlier than that so I'll try and book a pool table to play on while we wait for stragglers. Either way I'll let you know for definite next week. Hopefully see you there, Matt
PS. Dad or Tim, can you let Uncles Pete & Derek know plan B.

ALL WELL AND GOOD YOU MIGHT think. I went to Brown’s with my soon-to-be-brother-in-law on his stag do (there’ve been a lot over the last few years, my friends and I are reaching that age). It was rude enough without going too far and I thought it would suit the occasion beautifully. However, I wasn’t counting on my family’s reaction to this. My brother’s email came scorching into my inbox, the first line simply saying: “I ain't gonna be able to do this bloke!!!!” My mum seemed happy to take all the ladies out on the Friday night, but my dad wouldn’t hear of it. So, after much sorting out, I came up with the following compromise plan:

OK, you may remember the last email, where I suggested we go to a lovely gentleman's club since there was no Walthamstow dogs on a Friday night. However, it seems this has contravened Chapman family law, because the ladies were also going to go to the dogs as they're obviously in town the night before the wedding. I'm not sure it still counts as a stag do if your nan is there, but the stadium has enough stands for me to hide my shame.
So rather than have my dad, brothers and uncles all pull out on grounds of spousal abuse, I think I've found an alternative. There's dog racing on at Romford dog track on the Friday night. Romford station is only 20-40 minutes train ride from Liverpool Street Station, depending on how many stops the train makes. The last race is at 10.35pm, so there's plenty of time for those of you who want to make connections back to the deeper, darker parts of London (does it come deeper and darker than Romford?). Just so you know, the very last train leaves Romford at 11.56pm, arriving at Liverpool Street at 12.16am. But I reckon there may even be enough of us to split cabs on the way back to make it easy.
The address for the dog track is:
Coral Romford Greyhound Stadium,
London Road,
Romford,
Essex RM7 9DU
Phone: 01708 762345
This map shows Romford train station and the dog track. Doors open at 6.30pm and the first race is at 7.35pm. I suggest we meet at a pub next to Romford train station at 5.30-6pm. According to the Beer in the Evening website The Goose is 0.0 miles from the station. Should be easy to find then. If you can't reach us by 6.30pm, just look for the loud group of idiots inside the dog track. You may want to phone one of us to see which stand we're in.
Should you need to get in touch that night, here are some handy numbers:
Matt moby – [REMOVED]
Best man Niall - [REMOVED]
Best man Paul - [REMOVED]
I hope to see you there, but fully understand if the change of plans is a bunch of arse for you. And those of you who've already paid your dues on the Hamburg stag do (and boy did you pay) should not feel obliged to come, although it would be a great reunion.
Right, that's all folks. If you do intend on coming, why not print this page and the web map out to help you? You know it makes sense.
Matt
PS. I reserve the right *not* to dress up on this stag do. Those of you who've seen the photos will know how far I had to go last time.

DISSENTING VOICES TO THIS NEW PLAN will be met with my sternest face,  the one that can crack mirrors (facetious people would say that’s my normal face). I can only hope that this works, otherwise I’m getting a six pack of lager and staying in.