Saturday, September 30, 2006

Late Expectations

What a day! Oh the joy of travelling. Just when you think you’ve chosen the perfect flight, something always comes along to make you a day late.

And this time it’s not even my fault. Gone are the days of checking in at full-rush panic an hour before the flight takes off. No more lurching towards the desk to see them put up the Flight Closed sign, arguing unsuccessfully that surely there’s time to admit one more person. These days I actually travel like a responsible adult.

I was advised by a housemate who flew recently to get to the airport at least four hours before the flight, because of the increased terror alert (from beige to sunset orange I think, but I could be wrong). Restrictions and heightened security meant it was taking that long to clear check-in and bag searches. I scoffed at the four hour mark, getting there a measly three hours and 20 minutes before my scheduled flight.

Everything started so well. It took 20 minutes to locate the British Airways desk, check-in and drop off my bag. I’d been panicking because I couldn’t check-in online, most likely because this is a group booking and I didn’t order it. As I strolled through security in about 10 minutes I wondered what all the fuss was about. I now had almost three hours before the plane revved up its engines. Ho hum.

The first setback happened when I got bored of shopping, about 10 minutes after starting to browse. I sat down to read the book my Oirish flatmate had lent me. I’d been telling her about the epic Stephen King saga it has taken me more than 15 years to finish. She asked if I’d read Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy and since it’s on my list I was ecstatic when she said had them. In paperback. I had spent the night before the flight reading the final part of The Dark Tower until 2am so I didn’t have to take that brick of a hardback with me for the sake of 100 pages or so. It almost breaks hand-luggage restrictions on its own.

So I settled down to begin the adventures of Lyra, knowing I was in for a treat. Except I wasn’t. Because instead of packing the first book in the series, Northern Lights, I had brought the final part of the trilogy, The Amber Spyglass. I’d obviously been thinking about the title of the upcoming film, The Golden Compass, which has ditched its original UK title for the US book name. Bollocks. Back to shopping then and with three book shops I was pretty sure I could pick up the first part and still have the two other parts free when I returned. Again, no luck, and nothing else really grabbed my attention. So I went off to wait.

As we all queued at the flight gate a few hours later I was still unaware of how bad things were going to become. And then the announcement came, that the flight was “technical”. I didn’t know what that meant at first, because they didn’t say it was a technical problem, just that "Flight 287 is technical". Then they told us we were going to change gates as there was another suitable airplane standing by. All still good, although now we were looking at a 3.30pm takeoff when we should have boarded at 1.30pm and been off the ground at 1.50pm.

Still, this wasn’t a disaster yet. I’d managed to stay out of the bars. I hadn’t bought any duty free goods that look temptingly cheap but cost more than you’d pay from an internet retailer. And I wasn’t even angry, just a little weary and looking forward to getting on the plane. I might even sleep, having only managed five and a half hours the night before. Damn you Stephen King.

It’s at 3.30pm that the universe folded in on itself. I’d been lulled in to a false sense of security by watching some of the plane’s cargo and the food being loaded on board. But having failed to get everything ready by the allotted time, a takeoff now would put the flight staff over their maximum allowed working hours. Amazingly, BA doesn’t have any other flight staff on stand by. It prefers to spend €300,000 (around £200,000) – if the ticket manager’s estimate is correct – booking alternate flights on rival airlines and putting people up in a hotel, with meals thrown in.

But the pain wasn’t over yet. At 4.20pm I retrieved my bag and headed upstairs to rebook flights. There I was met by a smug, fat customer services advisor who seemed unapologetic and handed me a letter telling me it was unlikely we would make a flight today. Most likely, we would all be booked on flights tomorrow. What he failed to mention is that the queue I was in to rebook those flights would take three hours plus to issue me with new details.

At this point I was in a dilemma. Living in London I could bail and go home and try and sort this out over the phone. But that would leave me anxious until it was sorted, so I decided to stick it out. Besides, if they booked me on an insanely early flight it would be difficult to make it to the airport early enough without booking a taxi – and they weren’t throwing the price of that in.

So I spent a grim night in an airport hotel. I ate fairly poor buffet food and went immediately to bed, exhausted. After all, I needed to be up first thing to catch a 4.30am shuttle bus and check in for my 7.55am American Airlines flight. Something told me the pain was just beginning.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

If there's one thing guaranteed to make you feel old...

...it's mens' magazines. Unless you're a woman. In which case, if there's one thing guaranteed to make you feel fat and unimportant it's womens' magazines. Go figure.

But today one of the mens' magazines has excelled itself. FHM has decided to pitch itself at a slightly older male audience and as a 33-year-old this is very exciting. Until you read the blurb from the Gorkana media email.

FHM has relaunched itself with a new look aimed at a more mature audience. FHM is now targeting the single male in his mid/late 20's. Jenny McCarthy is back as the sex consultant and the Former Editor of Maxim, Greg Gutfield will also have a regular column.

Maybe Logan's Run was right.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Bag of Wank

WankhiwalSorry for the rude title, but this is a phrase I used to use a lot to describe something that was below par. I can't remember where I picked it up, but no doubt it was from some TV programme or other. Everything else I say comes from there.

While shopping for a cheapo case to take to San Francisco I found an actual bag of wank. Or at least a suitcase made by a company called Wankhiwal UK.

Porn & DunwoodySpeaking of which, here's the logo for the company that made the lifts for Future Publishing. It's only embarrassing until you realise their last building had elevators made by Schindler Lifts.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

ART: Pierre Huyghe – Celebration Park

I just managed to catch Pierre Huyghe’s show at the Tate Modern on the final day and I’m glad I did. The collection includes work by the artist and a number of collaborators, including video, moving sculpture installations and poster art.

The looped films are the biggest pieces, shown on enormous screens that fill the wall of large blackened rooms. The fact that they are looped with no warning of the start or end point adds a level of personal experience, as everyone’s perspective begins at a different point.

The best film sees puppets stalked by a dark, beetle-like creature, which was made all the more surreal by the lights on a young visitor’s trainers that flashed every time he stopped running around.

My highlight of the exhibition is the two giant white doors that move across a room on runners. I was lucky enough to be confronted by them as they ended their journey at the entrance to the room, halting my access for a moment before they slowly withdrew back where they had come from.

Other startling pieces used large florescent lighting to spell out humble expressions, such as “I do not own Tate Modern or the Death Star” or “I do not own modern times, I do not own Snow White”.

There were some disappointments, including a difficult to penetrate film showing a harsh wind gnarled environment. However, overall, it was a visit that managed to provoke ideas and social commentary, and for that it was well worth it.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Basingstoke barney

I love my weekly trawl through the Advertising Standards Authority's rulings. There's almost always a classic in there. Take today's offering:

A regional press ad for a restaurant claimed "Amodeo is an amazing Basingstoke restaurant to go to for the real feel of Italy without paying for the plane flight! … THE ONLY ITALIAN RESTAURANT & PIZZERIA IN BASINGSTOKE."

Issue
Galleto restaurant, challenged the claim "THE ONLY ITALIAN RESTAURANT & PIZZERIA IN BASINGSTOKE" because they were an Italian restaurant based in Basingstoke.
The CAP Code: 3.1;7.1

Response
Amodeo apologised for the ad.


I'll bet Amodeo apologised. I mean, how did it think it would get away with that?

Monday, September 11, 2006

POKER: The Full Tilt London All Star Challenge

Sadly I couldn't make it down to watch the inaugural event of The European Poker Masters, held at the glamorous Fifty Casino in London. I was working for The Man. But here's the details and a breakdown of how play stood before Monday's session.

The exclusive event showcased an impressive ensemble from both sides of the pond including Phil Ivey, Chris Ferguson, Jennifer Harman, Tony G, John Juanda and England’s very own Hendon Mob.

Play got underway as the All Star line up took to their seats in what has been considered the best line up in European Poker History. And it didn’t take long for the action to get underway, as 7 times WSOP bracelet winner, Eric Seidel was left short stacked after running into Marc Goodwin’s quad sevens. And although battling on he could simply not recover, only adding to the list of early casualties that included Fellow Full Tilt pros Mike Matusow, Allen Cunningham and the 2005 European Poker Champion, Tony G.

One of the hands of the night came as Gus Hansen looked down at pocket sevens and after announcing ‘I don’t know how to play this hand’ pushed his chips across the line. Unfortunately for him a delighted Chris ‘Jesus’ Ferguson was sat to his left and from under his trademark cowboy hat called before turning over the pocket rockets. Silence fell as everyone’s eyes focused in on the dealer. The flop was turned and the audience roared as the first card to hit the felt was another Seven, The Great Dane had hit his set and in the process crippling an unsurprised Ferguson who shortly exited the tournament in search of London’s dance hot spots.

Ex-England and West Ham striker Teddy Sheringham came an impressive 12th in what was an incredibly tough field, which included the 2005 Monte Carlo Millions Champion Phil Ivey who breezed into the final 9 as chip leader.

The final table will take place on Monday, 11th of September and if tonight’s action is anything to go by it will be a thrilling game of poker as two of the biggest names in the game battle it out for the illustrious title and the 134,000 prize pool.

2,000 Freeze Out,
Texas Hold’em
9th September 2006
67 Runners
Prize Pool - 134,000

Final 9 Chip Positions – to be played down to final table of 8 on Monday. Final table to start at 3pm.

1. Phil Ivey 86,000
2. Gus Hansen 84,000
3. Marc Goodwin 72,000
4. Jeff Buffenbarger 64,000
5. Willie Tann 59,500
6. M Hayden 58,000
7. C Xanthos 44,500
8. P Gould 40,000
9. N Lee 28,000

Play was suspended for the day with nine players remaining.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

An end to Walthampstow

Most of the people I care about already know, so I'm sorry if you had to find out this information by reading my blog, but my wife and I recently separated.

No dirty laundry shall be washed on this site. It's been an extremely difficult time for both of us.

I only mention it now because I keep finding myself wanting to blog about related matters - such as how I'm living in a 30-something haven halfway between Clapham and Brixton. And sooner or later you're going to put two and two together and make a prime number.

At the moment my life is all about looking for the positives. And one of the positives of moving to a new area is that I get to trade my driving licence in for a new model. The one I've carried around for the last four years has one thing I've always hated - a spelling mistake.

Yes, the DVLA decided that I lived in Walthampstow. At last I can get them to really take the p, and the rest of the area, off my licence. When you've been a sub-editor you get a little OCD about these things.

Walthampstow

Friday, September 01, 2006

Gorkana update

Finally got around to updating my Gorkana listing, which went out today. As one of my friends was quick to point out, it contains the phrase "writes anything" - proving that I have fully embraced the freelance way!

Matt Chapman is a freelance Writer and Sub-Editor working across the entertainment and technology fields. Matt has recently worked on/written for Total Film, DVD Review, Dreamwatch, Battlestar Galactica, T3, Vnunet.com, ComputerActive, Web User and Computer Shopper. He is available for freelance shifts, cover and commissions and writes anything from film, game and book reviews, to set visit reports, interviews, podcasts and daily news.